Saturday, March 14, 2009

Soy un perdador

I don't understand it. Or I do. Intellectually, anyway. In any time but the present moment at which I'm suffering under the affliction, it's perfectly clear.
Once you see what you are doing or have been doing, you also see its futility, and that unconscious pattern then comes to an end by itself. Awareness is the greatest agent for change. (Tolle 99)
But in that moment, I'm completely lost, seemingly unable to wrest control from my ego that for some reason—and this is the part I guess I don't understand—is hell bent on self destruction with a complete disregard for my surroundings or the consequences of traveling down whatever road it's taking me. Then after it's had its way—and made a complete fool of me in the process—it relinquishes control and I find myself wondering what the hell happened.

This has happened twice within the past week. In fact, a week ago today, and then again today. I fully acknowledge I have a problem, and I so want to be free of this maniacal ego within me. But at every reflection, I again shake my head in utter unknowingness when considering just how I'm supposed to make that happen. How, when you are in those moments completely unconscious, are you supposed to become conscious?
Only through awareness are you able to see: There is the situation and here is the anger I feel about it, and then realize there are other ways of approaching the situation, other ways of seeing it and dealing with it. (Tolle 69)

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